Torn
by erynion
Summary: In the end, he had been the one defeating Zoom and winning that race, but in his heart he had still lost. Zoom was gone, but so was his father. The city was safe, but it wouldn't be long until someone else came to threaten its peace. And Barry's own ghosts would never stop haunting him. Set during the final minutes of episode 2x23, 'The Race of His Life'.


**Hey guys! I wasn't planning on writing this but the finale was… I can't find words to describe it. So because of it, you have this short oneshot to read. As always, mistakes are mine. This story is kind of experimental, as it is my first attempt at writing something like this. So if you have the time, I'd appreciate just a few lines with your thoughts and/or suggestions, and if you would like another fic like this one or prefer the style from my other stories. Thanks for reading!**

 **Disclaimer: The Flash and its characters don't belong to me or Barry Allen wouldn't have to suffer so much tragedy in so little time. #SmileBarrySmile**

* * *

 **Torn**

 _"It's so much darker when a light goes out_ _than it would have been if it had never shone."_

When Barry went downstairs, he found everyone in the living-room in front of the TV - Wally, his foster-brother who had recently found out he was Central City's hero, _his_ hero, and was totally okay with it. Cisco, his partner-in-crime and a brother from another mother, someone thanks to whom movie marathons would never be the same. Caitlin, not just a doctor but a friend and a confidant. Iris, whom he had always seen as more than just a friend. Joe, the man whom he owed _everything_ , someone who had taught him how to be the adult he had become, someone who had been a second father to him. Each of them had their own place in his heart, a heart that had been broken too many times and would always be wounded, unable to heal despite everyone's efforts. In the living-room, without anyone noticing Barry was there, they were watching the news and celebrating in their own way that Zoom had finally and _forever_ been defeated.

Barry would have loved to join them and watch the news with them, to smile thankfully at his family and, with their help, move on from his father's death. But instead he stood behind them, watching them silently as if he was just an invisible ghost that could see everything but could never be seen. He shut his eyes and turned his face from them, trying his best to control his emotions and keep his own darkness at bay. But instead his brain kept taking him to that dreadful night some days ago and when he opened his eyes he could see _once again_ how Zoom's fist had taken away his father's life in front of him in a matter of seconds.

 _"This is gonna make you just like me!"_

 _"Jay…"_

 _"Your mother and I love…"_

 _"NO!"_

Barry shut his eyes and shook his head. But when he opened them again he was home, where he had always been.

It had been them who had found him that night, after Zoom and he had taken their fight outside, to that dark alley. It had been Cisco and Caitlin's voices calling him through his coms right after Zoom had run from there, leaving his time remnant's body behind. It had been Joe who had taken care of everything and then taken him home, just like that night sixteen years ago. It had been Iris who had been waiting for him there, the one who had known that there were no words who could help him and gave him a _meaningful_ hug instead, just like that night when she had slowly entered his room and hugged him after finding out what had happened to his mother.

And at that moment, he realized it had started with her – every single tragedy that had happened in his life, every misstep, had been _because_ of it.

He had thought he already knew that. One year ago, when he had travelled to the night everything changed, he had _sacrificed_ his own mother, standing behind the door, doing nothing while at the other side of the room his mother was being murdered, because he had thought that his life was complete. Even if he had had to grow up without a mother, he had had two amazing fathers and friends who took care of him. And not long ago, the Speed Force itself had told him he had to accept he would never be able to save everyone, that even The Flash couldn't outrun the tragedies the universe was gonna keep sending his way and that once he accepted that, he could run free. He had returned home at peace with himself, happy, but it took less than a minute to make his whole world crumble – as if he was doomed to not being able to experience what real happiness felt like.

 _"You'll never be truly happy, Barry Allen_. _"_

Thawne already knew that – he had told him that in the video he saw months ago. He never wanted to give it much thought, but he always failed. No matter what Joe told him, every decision he had made since then reminded him of Thawne - of his cockiness, of his arrogance, of his cold eyes and his evil smile. He had been the one who had started all of that.

If it hadn't been for him, his mother would have never been murdered.

If it hadn't been for him, his father would have never been wrongfully sent to prison for a crime he had never committed.

If it hadn't been for him, he would have never become The Flash and he would never have had to carry such a heavy weight on his shoulders.

If it hadn't been for him, there would have been no breaches to Earth-2, no Hunter Zolomon, no Jay Garrick, no doppelgangers.

If it hadn't been for him, he would have lived a normal and _happy_ life, without particle accelerator explosions and without superpowers, without losses, without grief and without excruciating and unbearable _pain_.

Something wet soaked his cheeks, and he took some steps backwards to put more distance between himself and the rest. He didn't want to be noticed, he didn't want them over him, he didn't want them worried and comforting him, telling him that everything was going to be okay and that Zoom would never chase after them again – because that didn't matter anymore. In the end, he had been the one defeating Zoom and winning that race, but in his heart he had still lost. Zoom was gone, but so was his father. The city was safe, but it wouldn't be long until someone else came to threaten its peace. And Barry's own ghosts would never stop haunting him – Ronnie, Eddie, Reverse Flash, his dead mother, Zoom, his dead father, his dad's doppelganger,…

 _"Um… You're…"_

 _"_ _Jay Garrick. The real Jay Garrick."_

When he had seen Garrick's face, the real one, as he stepped out of the medbay with Cisco and Harry… It had felt as if a singularity had been created again, threatening to swallow everything and everyone, not on the sky but in his heart. He had felt every single crack inside his heart, new ones being created and old ones reopening. But more difficult than seeing his not-father alive had been seeing him leave – he felt as if he had lost his father twice in just two days, in the same way that he had lost his mother twice too.

" _Hey. It's okay. It's okay. You're okay."_

 _"_ _Please. My husband and son, are they…?"_

 _"_ _They're both safe. I promise."_

 _"_ _Who are you?"_

 _"_ _I'm… I'm The Flash."_

It had hurt seeing his mother dying again, just like it had hurt him finding out she was dead the first time. And it hadn't been different with his father, whom he lost long before than just days ago, when he was imprisoned for fifteen years.

What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to move on from that? Was it even possible?

 _"_ _How am I ever supposed to find peace with that?"_

 _"_ _I don't know, Barry, but you're gonna have to find a way to do that or it's gonna tear you apart."_

Barry sighed and cleaned the tears of his face with a hand. They had always been with him, standing by his side, but especially Iris, who had supported him even when they were kids. When he was about to leave them all behind last year to go to the past and save his mom, he was able to see the pain in their faces, the same pain his must have had. Because of that, when the moment came, he took it as a chance to say goodbye to his mother, a goodbye that came fifteen years later but still too soon for her. And when he came back, he had some place to go home to, and a family standing by the door.

But everything was different now. His father was dead because of a mistake _he_ had made – if he had been careful enough, he could have prevented not just his father's death, but Eddie's and Ronnie's too. But he hadn't been. The singularity had been his fault. The death of hundreds and the destruction of Central City too. And Zoom. And now that everyone was gone and he was the only one left standing, he was broken beyond repair.

But he didn't have to be.

Slowly, without disturbing the people in front of the TV, he headed to the front door.

Every single tragedy that had happened in his life, every misstep, had been because of his mother's death. The slow process of his broken heart tearing him apart had began not just days earlier, but years, and the cause had one single name. And he had been given the gift to be able to change that, even if he had to pay a price too high for it.

Taking one last glance at Caitlin and Cisco, at Wally, at Joe, at Iris, at _his family_ , he carefully and silently opened the front door, stepped outside and closed it behind him.


End file.
